New motherhood

When we found out we were having a baby, I ordered about 10 books off amazon to read about pregnancy, labor and delivery, and how to get your baby to sleep.  I wanted to be as prepared as I could be.  Truth be told, I only made it through about 6 of the books, and I'm not sure how much I remember from each of them.  I definitely gathered and gleaned information, but reading about something is very different than living it. 

Xinyi is two weeks old today!  The last two weeks have been the most trying, most challenging, most fulfilling, and most wonderful two weeks of my life.  Each time I hold her, I examine her little face, her little hands, her little feet, and every time it's perfect to me.  She is beautiful to me and I just love everything about her.  In a completely overwhelming way.  I want to do everything right for her, and many times, I feel like I don't know how to do it.  Sometimes I cry because I am overwhelmed by the love and fierce protectiveness I feel towards our baby.

The other night, I was up with Xinyi for six hours between 1 am and 7 am.  Around 5 am, she started crying inconsolably in between nursing sessions and I couldn't soothe her.  It broke my heart.  Her cries felt like daggers in my heart.  I woke Shane up to help me because I didn't know what to do.  Shane was amazing with her :).  I never thought I would struggle with soothing our baby.  I actually thought that with almost 15 years of childcare experience, I would have no problem caring for my own newborn.  Unfortunately, all my experience is with children 6 months to 13 years of age, and none of them were my own (even though I often thought of them as my own).  Shane tells me that all newborns cry and that newborns can't communicate in any way other than crying.  He said this is normal and you just have to try different things.  I heard him and knew he was right, but I also heard those cries and felt those daggers in my heart.  Fortunately, as Xinyi grows, we grow as parents too, and we are learning to soothe our little baby, and life is feeling more and more normal every day.

New motherhood is full of overwhelming emotions, sleep deprivation, and crazy mommy hormones.  But it is wonderful, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Here she is, truly the best of the both of us!