I put on a necklace yesterday that I hadn't worn since the day Clara was born. In a way it was a tiny symbol to myself that I can and will choose to find beauty in the way our baby was born. Before she was born, I bought a pearl pendant and chose very consciously to wear that pendant during labor and delivery. Before we went to the hospital, I made a little note in my mind that I would give her the pendant when she turned 16, as a special reminder of how much she means to us. How we've been thinking of her and praying for her since before she was born. When labor didn't go as we imagined, and when it was clear I was going to have to have a csection, the nurse asked me to take off my necklace. No jewelry in surgery. I was so sad and so disappointed. I tried to put the necklace back on a few days after she was born and I couldn't bring myself to do it. Yesterday, I finally could. I know it's a silly thing, and such a little thing, but it made me very happy to put the necklace on. I still plan to give Xinyi the pendant when she turns 16. And I still plan to tell her how much she means to us, and how we've thought of and prayed for her since before she was born. I guess I'm happy to say nothing has changed. She was carried in my belly and birthed out of me and is and will always be my baby.
People say that women forget about the pain of childbirth as soon as they see their baby. That wasn't true for me. It took me several weeks to not be haunted by labor and delivery, and it's been more than three months and I haven't forgotten the pain. But what has happened is the joy of loving and raising Xinyi has overshadowed the memories of that experience. I look at our daughter and see a beautiful, vivacious, loud and wonderful child. I see a gift of life, as Shane prayed during her dedication yesterday. I see her toothless grin and her happy shimmy when I wake her up in the morning, and it makes my heart overflow. I see how her daddy adores her, and how she adores him, and I adore them both. Even when she cries and screams from being overtired or overstimulated, I still whisper in her ears, "I love you my baby."
The past three months of new motherhood have been the most challenging time of my life. I still remember the many nights of face planting into the comforters of our bed while trying to will myself to get up to feed the baby because I was so exhausted from not having slept for more than a few hours for a basically a month straight. I remember feeling so lost and confused because this tiny baby had so many needs and we knew so very little about how to meet those needs fast enough and well enough to keep her cries at bay. I remember endlessly Googling questions at ridiculous hours of the night and morning about sleep training and baby milestones and weight and height percentiles. I still do that. I remember texting my sister in laws because oh my God, I have no idea what I'm doing! But then I also remember holding her tiny hands and staring at her tiny face, knowing she was ours. I have spent many hours and many just being in awe of our tiny human. I remember the first time I got her to smile at me, to laugh, to grab a toy, to enjoy her bath. Those moments are moments I hope I never forget. I know the challenges are just beginning, but there is nothing quite like being a first time mother. The pure stream of fear and love mixed together. Fear that you'll do something wrong and love for the tiny screaming human that you used to have inside of you. All on top of some serious sleep deprivation.
When Xinyi smiles at me, that beautiful toothless gummy smile, I get why people say you forget the pain of childbirth. They don't meant you forget it, they just mean you have too much joy overflowing in your heart to remember or dwell on the pain. Motherhood is a beautiful and messy thing -- nothing makes sense and everything makes sense. I think I'm starting to not make sense, so I'll leave it at this... I'm so grateful that our little girl made me a mother. She is our everything!
