Embracing the Chaos

The transition from being a mother of one to being a mother of two has been all about embracing the chaos. As someone who has a pretty strong streak of perfectionism running through her veins, let's just say that hasn't been easy. But I believe I've become a better mother by embracing the chaos instead of trying so hard to control everything... because in the end, I can't really control anything in motherhood except myself and my expectations. 

While I love posting cute pictures of Clara and Audrey, the majority of my days look most accurately like this:

With two, my attention is almost always divided. Just like the picture, I'm usually wearing Audrey (or trying to get her to sleep, be happy, fed, or some other thing), and simultaneously trying to care of Clara's toddler needs (in the picture, wiping her face off because she had used her new toy bubble gun to shoot herself in the face with a bajillion bubbles). 

At first, having to divide my attention felt like I was always failing - I never had enough for the needs of my two girls. But over time, and with some sweet prayers from my mom friends, I am learning to live in and love each moment... the hard ones, yes, but especially the sweet ones. 

Today, I got some rare and wonderful one on one time with Clara. She looked at me and said, "Momma, whatcha doing?" I said, "I'm giving you my full attention! I haven't been able to do this for a while!" Even though she didn't understand what I was saying, she knew she had all of me, so she smiled at me, and put her face in mine, a symbol of her joy in the moment - our moment. 

Last night, Audrey had a hard time falling asleep. She's been such a good night-time sleeper that it was frustrating to me. But then, I decided to remember to live in and love the moment. So I cuddled her, sang to her, nursed her, and stared at her sweet little face. I told myself, I'll never have this moment again with Audrey. So I loved that moment, and the frustration faded away.

Little by little, I'm learning to love my two girls and the chaos that is our lives at this time. Over and over again, I tell myself, I'll never have this moment again with this child. So I choose to love it, even the wide mouthed tantrum-cries, and the oh-I-wish-you-would-fall-asleep-already moments, and the car rides where both girls are crying. I choose to love it all.