Below is the long story, and it is really long, so consider yourself warned!
I wanted a natural, unmedicated birth. In other words, I wanted to do this thing old school style, no pain meds, no epidural, mostly for the benefits I had read on for the baby (no medication crosses the bloodstream and breastfeeding is often times established more easily without the medication that makes baby drowsy at birth) and for myself (feeling contractions would help me know when to push, hopefully making labor faster and delivery smoother). And to be perfectly honest, I just thought it would be kind of cool to do it like my mom and so many generations of moms had done before her.
I read so much about labor and delivery. We took a five week Lamaze class at our hospital and at home I did prenatal yoga. I kept myself active and strong so I could be ready for the vigors of childbirth. I packed the hospital bag at 36 weeks and kept going over in my head techniques and breathing and how we would labor at home until contractions were 5 minutes apart, for 1 minute long, for 1 hour, just like they taught us. Then we would go to the hospital and I would push this baby out med free! That was the plan at least. After a smooth pregnancy, I thought labor and delivery would be the same. I prayed for a smooth and quick labor and delivery and a healthy baby, and I asked everyone I knew to pray for the same.
In my head, for some unknown reason, I also thought this little one would come early. Everything pointed against that... She was measuring in the 40th percentile in size halfway through pregnancy and she was a first baby, and those tend to go late. But in my head I thought she would be early. But 38 weeks came and went. 39 weeks came and went. My due date, Christmas came and went. My doctor told me at my second to last appointment (which was before Christmas) that she thought our baby could come in the days after christmas, but if she didn't, that she recommended an induction on December 30th.
I really didn't want to be induced. I really really really didn't want to be induced. I made myself knowledgeable about the risks associated with induction. Most commonly that an induction leads to contractions that are medically regulated and therefore have none of the body's natural benefits of endorphins (happy feelings) that come with natural contractions, and since contractions are medically regulated, they do not vary in time increments like natural contractions, leading to many women asking for epidurals due to the persistent and increasing pain again minus the natural body's endorphins, and for some reason, also often leading to emergency c-sections. And so I became desperate to get the baby out. I did everything I thought was medically wise, eating pineapple, eating spicy food, walking a ton, even eating a famous labor inducing salad in studio city! Nothing worked.
Induction scared me a lot, but after talking to the doctor on December 29th, we decided the risks of going much more overdue was not wise. I'll be honest, I cried a lot about the decision to induce. But in the end, having a healthy baby trumped everything else. So we were scheduled for a 5am induction on December 30th. I didn't sleep that night. I prayed and tossed and turned and then the alarm went off.
Here I am, my last picture pregnant with Xinyi inside.
Even with the induction, Shane and I, as well as the doctor, thought labor and delivery would go relatively easily. I was 2cm dilated, decently effaced, baby was in the right position, and at zero station. She gave me a Bishop's score of how ready I was for labor of 8 or 9, which is as good as it gets. I asked for them to start me on a low dose of pitocin and to allow me to have room to stand and walk like I had planned for my unmedicated labor. So they turned on the pitocin, and a few hours later, nothing stronger than Braxton hicks contractions had occurred, and sure they were more frequent and in a pattern, but it wasn't labor. My doctor came and recommend breaking the bag of waters to kickstart labor. I had wants to wait as long as possible and hoped my water would break on its own later in labor, but I just wasn't progressing, so I agreed. And labor began. From 2 cm to 6 cm, labor was painful but manageable. It was back labor, which felt like really bad spinal pain every 2 to 3 minutes for about 30 to 60 seconds. I breathed through the contractions and I asked Shane to push against my lower back to help alleviate the pain. The pain would peak for about 5 to 10 seconds in increasing amounts of pain during those hours of 2 to 6 cm. Shane was amazing. He truly labored alongside me. Things felt okay. It had been about 13 hours.
The doctor came in and checked and said, okay now you are 6 cm, things are going to get more intense, but it will go more quickly now, I think you might have this baby before midnight! Unfortunately, that didn't happen. The pain at 6 cm was pretty bad, but somehow it got much worse trying to go from 6 to 7cm. The doctor came in and did an ultrasound to make sure the baby was still in the right position since back labor typically indicated the baby is in the wrong position. She was still in the right position, so we continued on. A few hours passed and again I just wasn't progressing. The doctor came back and asked me to labor on my side, which would be more painful, but would hopefully move things along.
For the next 45 minutes, I experienced the worst pain of my life. It felt like someone strapped a 200 pound weight to my tailbone and was pulling away from my body slowly at first and then really really hard every 2 to 3 minutes for the full 30 seconds to 60 seconds of the contractions. I could barely breathe, and I would beg in one word cries for Shane to push against my back for every contraction. Shane told me later he pushed on my back with all his strength, for all 18 hours of active labor, but those 45 minutes, he was pushing so so hard his shoes were slipping on the ground, and they were tennis shoes with good traction. Also, for those who don't know Shane, he is 6'2 and built like a lumberjack. Shane pushing with all his strength is a lot of strength. Later he also told me he thought I was going to pass out from the pain and that even after working in a hospital's surgical recovery ward as a high school student, he had never seen anyone in as much pain as I was in.
I begged them to check me because I was at my end. I knew I couldn't do this for another 3 cm, and unless I magically was 10 cm, I needed an epidural. They checked, I was barely at 7 cm. So I begged for an epidural, which they gave me, and for the next three hours, we rested. I finally made it to 10 cm and it was time to push. I thought we were finally close to the end, that I might finally meet our baby girl. I had heard of women pushing for three or four hours, but my sisters in laws had pushed for 45 minutes and an hour for their first babies and I thought, okay, sure, let's do this! But again, it did not go well.
I felt nauseated and threw up twice in the beginning of pushing. I was shaking and everything in me felt awful and even though I was pushing, I felt like nothing was happening. I was right. The first hour passed, and she was coming down very very slowly. I had been watching the clock and disappointment washed over me at that hour as the nurse continued to tell me to push. I didn't have to ask, I knew we still had a ways to go. The second hour passed, and she came down a little more. I felt more and more pressure but the nurse still was telling me to push. The third hour passed, and that pressure was still there, but no crowning, no doctor at the foot of the bed telling me the heads coming! Instead I had the nurse look at me and say, "So we've reached the three hour mark, and I'm going to call the doctor for a consult. I knew then, something was really wrong. The doctor came and told me that the baby hadn't gotten any closer in the last hour, and this baby should have been out or at least crowning by now. She could see the top of the baby's head but not because she was getting closer, but because the baby's head was getting more and more swollen. The doctor said she was still too far in to use forceps or a vacuum, and I really didn't want to use either of those. My water had been broken for too long as well, and between everything -- baby not coming on her own and being overdue, pitocin not working on its own in the beginning, back labor even though she was in the right position, and the baby getting stuck -- she recommended an emergency c-section. She said I could keep pushing for another hour, but that if there was no change after that hour, we would still have to make this decision. Shane and I talked about it and decided yes, we would do the c-section now. We had to wait an hour for everything to be ready. It was the saddest hour of labor for both of us, we were exhausted and beyond disappointed that after all our hopes for a natural labor and after all the labor itself as well, we were here faced with major surgery.
At 6 am, they wheeled me away, it was the scariest thing to not know where I was going or what was happening. I was wheeled into the operating room and couldn't not think about Grey's anatomy and pray nothing crazy would happen. The anesthesiologist explained what was happening to me, and they pumped me full of more drugs than I know. They had me lying with my arms out to my side and they began the surgery. Shane held my hand but I quickly was losing feeling everywhere, even my arms which were not supposed to be effected by the epidural, but I think the shock and stress of surgery caused everything to go numb. At some point, a nurse brought over my baby girl and showed her to me for a split second and then she was gone. I heard Shane ask the doctors what they were putting back in me, and they said my uterus. Imagine hearing that lying on a table with your baby out but not with you. I started shaking. They gave me some more drugs and another nurse brought my baby girl and put her next to my face. I felt my arms again so I stroked her face for a maybe a minute. I couldn't really see her over the oxygen mask, but I could feel her perfect cheeks. As the drugs continued in my system, I felt nauseated and I said I'm going to be sick, they whisked away my baby right as I threw up again, twice. There was nothing in my system, it was all bile. Then they finished the surgery and they wheeled me away to recovery. I was still shaking and barely lucid. I couldn't speak or answer the recovery nurse as she asked me questions. I threw up again, mostly dry heaves and a little bit more bile. They pumped me with more drugs to stop my shaking and help me to feel better but all I wanted to do was see my baby. The nurse said I had to be there for an hour and to rest so I could feel better. Over that hour they did help me feel better, the shaking stopped, and I could answer questions and speak again. The nurses who were with Shane and baby called and said baby is hungry, she needs her mama! I still had twenty mandated minutes left and my heart was breaking. Eventually they wheeled me to the room where we'd stay for the next three days where I saw Shane holding our baby. He handed her to me and I got to hold her, feed her, meet her. She was here in our arms, finally.
Here is Clara, right after she was born:
Meeting our baby for the first time.
Holding her for the first time.
Shane being amazing.
Sweet baby girl, Clara (meaning bright and clear) Xinyi (meaning someone who brings joy) Brengle, love of our lives. Labor was hard, but you are more than worth it. Welcome to the world :).
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